Forgiveness, Faith & Covid 19

Thanks to Beth for leading DPX last Sunday in our new temporary outdoor location. She presented a chart describing the 3 stages of the Covid Pandemic Response, published by the National Institute of Mental Health. The chart is a helpful guide to recognizing the difference between growth, acceptance and basic survival modes. Beth explained that, in an atmosphere of uncertainty and dread we often max out our good and bad coping skills and mechanisms. This can result in agoraphobia or feeling overly sensitive around people. It is important to understand that you may be dipping in and out of the different areas shown on the chart daily or even hourly because our thoughts and moods are impermanent. 

Beth led us in a forgiveness meditation, using the phrases, “Forgive me, I forgive you, I forgive myself” as an anchor to return to when we get lost in thoughts. The meditation generated a discussion about forgiveness. Many commenting that self-forgiveness is the hardest part. People talked about having deep neural pathways of self-criticism. One member revealed that her mind is constantly reviewing previous social situation, trying to discern if she is at fault in any way. This is followed by a process of absolving her guilt. Though seeing her patterns and labeling them “reviewing” while meditating, she has come to realize that it is not her voice criticizing and judging herself, but an old conditioned “part” of her.  (to use a term from the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy) This “part” was conditioned by her mother’s constant criticism and is no longer useful or helpful. With meditation one gets bored with all these unnecessary and unhelpful “parts” that continue to arise in a predictable pattern. Eventually it becomes easier to ignore them or drop them completely. Another helpful tip to reducing self-blame and unnecessary judgement mentioned was finding the inner child. How would you treat a child? Learn to treat yourself with the same kindness you would treat that child. 

Others acknowledge they have trouble forgiving others. Beth quoted Noah Levin saying “You need to forgive everybody. I forgive you in my heart but never again in my house.” Practicing conditional forgiveness by separating internal forgiveness from external forgiveness is helpful. Rob commentated that the irony of anger is, “that you are so angry at a person, you are walking around with a rock in your gut.... and the other person is sitting at a bar having a beer!”

Rob also reminded us that some things are biological. People can have genetic dispositions which make them biologically more sensitive to certain things. The same situation can affect people differently. This explains why some people are strong and resilient in horribly adverse conditions while others end up with symptoms of trauma. Importantly, Beth commented that judging yourself against these strong people can be “just another way to beat yourself up.” 

When the conversation turned back to coping mechanisms, people talked about Facebook and Instagram being a helpful way to stay connected with friends. Joining self-help groups, groups around Corona Virus issues of loss of jobs, how to navigate benefits and groups with similar interests can help you feel like you are not alone and provide useful information. However, Facebook’s algorithms can lead to confirmation bias which can be dangerous with politics, and Facebook can be addictive and overused. But Sam reminded us that “it’s better than nothing”. Mike talked about “letting go of the need to understand everything” and “letting go of expectations… of needing to have results,” and even of “having to feel better.” The level of anxiety is not going to stay. Just let it happen with forgiveness and it will pass.

Finally, doubt, one of the 5 Hinderances was discussed. Name it “doubt,” then add faith and action as a remedy. But what is faith? Barbara commented that “Faith is that 100-year old tree. Faith just comes. It’s not a feeling of happiness, it’s just ok-ness.” Sam concurred, remembering “Faith is the palm trees swaying back and forth in the wind, the only thing that survived the bombing of a city I lived in.” Mike concluded our discussion profoundly saying “Faith is making room for the people that come behind us.”

Orienting Towards Love and Compassion

Marco lead DPX last Sunday with a meditation based on fear, anxiety and the Coronavirus. Describing our emotions as a tornado swirling around us that is not related to the truth. In the meditation we imagined that tornado of fear and anxiety outside of ourselves, not interacting with us. Leading the discussion, Marco shared a reading by the Dali Lama on how to fight the Coronavirus by triumphing over our minds to increase compassion and defeat anger and greed. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/202004/the-dalai-lama-covid-19-compassion-the-best-weapon The Dali Lama said, angry doesn’t generate a plan. We need to transition from outrage to problem solving. Panic creates a need to dissociate or flee. We need to stay present and cope. We can’t let our emotions get the better of us.  For this reason, we need emotional disarmament. We build happiness by serving others. What happens to one person effects every other being. Try to live and act from a higher principal, which overrides individual rights, sharing the responsibility and working together to save the greatest number of people from Covid 19 and to save the planet from global warming. In this way compassion and love are necessity not luxuries.

 Our group talked about the difficulties people were having “opening back up” after Covid 19 and trying to switch from an overwhelming fear of Covid, to living with reduced fear but still remaining reasonably cautious of Covid 19. We create a bias when we get wrapped up in our feelings. Mike suggested we need to “Orient Towards Something.” Like a boat slowly turning it’s bow towards a different destination. Try orienting towards happiness, and move the attitude to point your mind that way. Marco reminded us that if you are going up wind, you have to tack back and forth. You might not know exactly when to tack. Maybe your destination has to change at some unplanned point and you need to switch course. All of us are feeling this confusion with Covid 19. The Buddhist teachings remind us to orient towards love and compassion at the very least.

 It’s hard to make a long-term commitment during these times of Covid 19. We talked about doubt and wanting to look before you leap into a situation, be it a new job, a life goal or a partner. But at a certain point you need to jump in to feel and experience.  New paths will open that will again give you more choices. If you don’t try it you might have regrets. It might be better to have disappointments than regrets. If it doesn’t work out for you, you might still learn. There is a potential growth from taking a risk. Although there could be just as much self-growth, by slowing down in order to carefully and compassionately look at your previous conditioning before making a move to re-orient the boat.

 We all agreed that one of the great things about meditation is its portability. Wherever you are, you can orient towards your breath. You build security with familiarizing yourself with your breath. Meditation is building a comfortable home inside yourself. Oskar Wilde said “Home is where you go and they have to take you in.”  With meditation, this quote always brings us back to self-acceptance and self-love.

Gaining A Tool Belt

Thanks to Mary for leading DPX last Sunday with a short talk about the importance of good breathing for overall health and a short synopsis of Dan Harris book titled 10% Happier. Mary talked about relaxing into uncertainty, through a regular meditation practice. Becoming curious about it, sitting with it and learning to respect our fear without being controlled by it. People in our group talked about how having a routine that helps with uncertainty and learning to take our habitual catastrophizing with a grain of salt. For some, Covid 19 has been a boot camp for self-help, developing routines, and gaining a tool belt of positive self-help practices. Remembering little things like separating work spaces from leisure spaces which can help. People also expressed difficulty balancing having confidence about the future Vs. expecting disappointment all the time. Acknowledging that expecting the worst can be a comforting coping mechanism, which taken to an unproductive extreme. We try to keep in mind that everything is impermanent, and everything will change as we take refuge in the moment.

Loneliness During Covid 19 Quarantine

Melissa led DPX on the theme of loneliness last week. Sighting that loneliness lies behind a host of problems—anxiety, violence, trauma, crime, suicide, depression, political apathy, and even political polarization. Lonely people can even feel homeless even though they had a roof over their heads. Loneliness can manifest when finding yourself among a group of people who do not know and understand you and can trigger a fight-or-flight response. We breathe fast, our heart races, our blood pressure rises, we don’t sleep. We act fearful, defensive, and self-involved, all of which drive away people who might actually want to help, and tend to stop lonely people from doing what would benefit them most: reaching out to others. Our group had a variety of responses ranging from feeling less alone knowing that everyone is going through this and that it lands in different ways for people. Having empathy for the frontline nurses and doctors seeing and experiencing collective grief. Noting that anger is a masking emotion for grief and sadness. Grief for the loss of a previous life. Feeling ostracized from friends and gratefully acknowledging how much our DPX group has helped. Feeling grateful for recovery, which helps to connect with emotions, identify them, be with them, and deal with them. Feeling waves of sadness but opening to the inquiring mind when there is space.